Thursday, February 5, 2009

the following is an excerpt of an email i wrote a year ago:
"sometimes when i am against Chad's chest, and i did this when i was little on my dad too, i listen for his heart beat. it is so sobering to hear it and realize that's the only organ pumping life into someone so precious to me. and then when i hug him and feel how he's just flesh, it quiets me down. no need to be so busy idolizing another human, eh?"
there is nothing like this season in my life. it makes me think of hammocks and summer time and watermelon so juicy it runs down my chin. it is like sticking my fingers in a bowl of rising bread dough, so full of life and potential and possibility.
and this is my life, now. something is stretching on before me and i am not sure what it is going to look like or what it will be, but i know whatever it is i am in.
i am not sure if there are a few great men in the world, but i know i have at least found one. and there is something so good about realizing i've been loved well, and it is just the beginning of it all.
i've learned so much about myself through loving him. somethings i hate, somethings i love, but everything makes me feel more alive.
i am sure people who never get married feel alive too, and realize awakenings like this one at distinct times.
i am sure one day i will wake up because of some other love, some other passion that has nothing to do with romance.
but for right now, this is my season. it's glowing and bright and supple and rich. ah, to drink deeply of the fullness, the failure, and the feeling of human love.
and in moments when i realize he or i have failed, that we may continue to fail all the days of our lives, i'm pointed toward the unfailing. and its not cheesy or romanticized then. it's humbling and unmistakeably, poignantly true. only One love meets all loves, is all love, and fulfills all love.
"i am itching for something more than just the heart and the bones of a man. i have a longing in my heart for someone to put my arms around for eternity who is indestructable, and whose love for me will not change. that sounds selfish too, but i think you know what i mean.
c.s. lewis says in a book i am reading for class that he believes the longings for satsifaction and contentment and eternity come because there exists such a thing that will meet those longings. i can't wait for heaven, if that's the case."

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